I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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