youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I'm bleeding and have questions
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
