my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
