Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
