I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
