She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
