Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
