Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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