if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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