i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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