update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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