What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
