I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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