Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
