I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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