she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
