You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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