I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
