the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
