even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
