One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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