PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
