Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
