I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
