a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
