she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
