Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
