Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
