I cut my penus on the lid.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
