The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize