I feel like I'm in dance class right now
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize