sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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