That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Randomize
