My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
