everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
we should paint friendship bongs
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
