Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
