i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i just had sex bonerless
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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