bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
