my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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