Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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