I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
