Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
