Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
