she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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