I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
