the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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