I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
