She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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