How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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