Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
