We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I need to sanitize my soul.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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