She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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