the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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