I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
