fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
