I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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